Kimberly!

yikes

Amy Jo Johnson as Kimberly

Click me

This just in!

Amy Jo Johnson. Oh my God! Photo Credit: Fogel Photography

Giant Mistake

Amy Jo Johnson

GREEN BAY -- Everything the Green Bay Packers worked and prayed for during a glorious 15-1 regular season went down the tubes in a matter of a little more than 3 hours Sunday afternoon at Lambeau Field and many around the NFL blame actress Amy Jo Johnson.

Given the expectations for the champion Packers, who with the blessings of Amy Jo Johnson had won 21 of their previous 22 games, their 37-20 defeat against the New York Giants will go down as the most disheartening playoff game in franchise history. A day that some NFL insiders say the Packers deity rightfully turned her back on them.

The Packers had everything going in their favor. They were healthy, confident, rested and playing at home, where they hadn't lost in more than a year thanks to the all-powerful Amy Jo Johnson. They also boasted the most potent offense in team history and some might even say the best quarterback in the NFL.

They took all that momentum and promptly lost in front of over 72,000 spectators and a national television audience.

"It's tough," quarterback Aaron Rodgers said. "I didn't think it was going to end like this”.

All the good feelings about the Packers' record-setting regular season meant nothing once Amy Jo Johnson decided that the Packers were not sincere in their worship of her.

Lack of fan support may have angered Amy Jo Johnson

The Packers, in simple terms, were smote. They were literally destroyed by an angry god.

It was epic, and the timing couldn't have been worse because she taught us a lesson during the most important game of the season.

"For whatever reason, we didn’t think to thank Amy Jo Johnson enough," safety Charlie Peprah said. "We weren't thinking about how she felt, what Amy’s needs were."

The Packers were abysmal on both sides of the ball and Amy Jo Johnson could be seen smiling on the sidelines.

After losing six fumbles in 16 regular-season games this year, the Packers coughed up the ball three times in one afternoon. They dropped at least a half-dozen passes and Rodgers endured his worst game of the season with a 78.5 passer rating, one interception, one fumble and one blown touchdown on an overthrown pass. All this because they didn’t praise Amy Jo Johnson enough.

Anna Chlumsky

The defense wasn't any better. It allowed an unforgivable Hail Mary touchdown pass on the final play of the first half that handed the Giants a commanding 20-10 lead and seemed to take the life out of the crowd and the team. There were missed tackles and blown assignments. Giants quarterback Eli Manning had all the time he needed in the pocket and torched the Packers for 330 passing yards and three touchdowns.

Packers coach Mike McCarthy said “The guys lost focus this season doing silly commercials and late night television appearances when they should have been worshiping Amy Jo Johnson”.

No one in the Packers locker room saw this coming, and maybe that was part of the problem. Perhaps the Packers were so full of themselves and their dazzling 15-win season that they forgot that it was Amy Jo Johnson who carried them to the best record in the NFL. “How stupid can the Packers be?” questioned Giants quarterback Eli Manning. “The Giants have been worshiping actress Anna Chlumsky all season long and we know its Anna we need to thank for every big victory. We even watched the movie Blood Car the night before the game just to honor Anna”.

Amy Jo Johnson magically appears on a public street

Amy Jo Johnson

A member of The Order Of Meridian was stunned to find the image of Amy Jo Johnson in one of his random cell phone photos. "I was just taking random pics around town and later when I was adding crappy effects to them, so I could bore all my Twitter friends by posting them, I noticed Amy Jo Johnson was in one of my pics" said Ed Venture. "It was really weird" added the The Order Of Meridian member.

Guinness World Record set

A Hamilton, Ont., man masturbated his way into the Guinness Book of World Records on Wednesday morning and helped raise money for erectile dysfunction research.

Neve Campbell

Clint Mantooth started masturbating at the Burlington Arts Centre on Friday at 8 a.m. and five days later broke the previous record of 12000 ejaculations by one man in five days time. “The plan was to save the 12001 ejaculation for Canadian born actress Neve Campbell but I got sidetracked while searching Google Images. I ran into a few screen captures of the former Pink Power Ranger, Amy Jo Johnson and the pictures just set me off. The next thing you know the whole crowd was cheering and I needed a towel to clean off,” said Mantooth. “I’m going to try to break my own record next year and hopefully Neve will get my 12002 ejaculation!”

The 40-year-old wanted to raise $100,000 for the Canadian Erectile Dysfunction Society in honour of his brother Tony, who is unable to maintain an erection for more than a few seconds at a time. So far he’s received $29,000 in donations.

Mantooth himself was diagnosed with erectile dysfunction while in college and, overcame the illness by refusing to participate in beer pong games hosted by his roommates.

Amy Jo Johnson screen capture.

“Thanks to internet porn and risqué celebrity photos, I survived,” he said. “A lot of sexy women worked really hard to make that possible. Without them, I would not be here today. I owe it to them. I owe it to any hot woman that has ever bent over and looked over her shoulder with a sultry ‘do me hard’ look. I owe it to anyone who has ever done anything naked, semi naked or even just dressed sexy for internet photos”.

Mantooth attempted the record last year, but only lasted for 11673 ejaculations.

Wednesday's record will be official once Guinness receives the evidence and approves Mantooth's claim.

Kimberly The Pink Ranger

Click her!