Hair brained scheme foiled by stylist

Toronto police move in

Toronto’s Emergency Task Force has apprehended Louis Cypher, a 41-year-old Saskatoon resident and self-proclaimed "spiritual geneticist" who was holed up in a local Toronto motel Friday after an almost 4-hour standoff.

Brenda Connors

The task force received a tip from local hairstylist Brenda Connors after she received a series of what she described as “bizarre phone calls” from Cypher. “It started Thursday afternoon when a man claiming to work as a talent handler for a Canadian Television Network called my Salon. He asked if actress Amy Jo Johnson had come in for her hairstyle appointment. I checked the appointment schedule and told the man we had no such appointment on record but we could squeeze her in at 3:30pm. The caller told me he needed to check Amy Jo's network appointment book and said he would call back. The guy called me back later that day and asked me to check if Ms. Johnson had made any appointments for the entire month and I told him that we didn’t have any appointments listed. That evening I met my friend Karen, who is also a hairstylist for a different salon at Remington’s for a few drinks. I told Karen of the phone calls and Karen told me that she had also received a similar call from a man named Cypher,” said Connors.

“The salon logs all incoming calls and the next morning as a joke I called Cypher’s number and told him I had made an error because I had only checked hairstyle appointments. I told him I had completely overlooked Amy Jo’s Friday morning appointment for a Brazilian waxing,” added Connors. “I love that show Punked and thought tricking some pathetic, sicko, degenerate would be fun”.

Louis Cypher

That’s when Toronto police say things got really bizarre. According to police records, Cypher requested that the salon save any hair removed from Ms. Johnson, secure it in a plastic bag and hold it until the suspect retrieved it later that afternoon. “I told him we could just give the hair to Amy Jo because she had not yet left the salon but he insisted that we not mention it to Amy Jo because she was extremely eccentric and sometimes violently anti-social,” said Connors “twenty five minutes later Cypher was standing in my salon asking for Ms. Johnson’s hair. I didn’t know what to do because I honestly didn’t expect him to show up and I didn’t actually have any of Amy Jo’s hair to give him. I knew this was getting serious and I needed to give him something because he looked very scary. Like child molester, serial killer, I’ll eat your offspring kind of scary”.

Police records indicate that Ms. Connors told Cypher that she needed to retrieve the hair from the salon’s safe and she then preceded to the back office area where she quickly gave herself a Brazilian wax with the hopes of deceiving Cypher. “Thank god I’m a brunette because he was completely fooled. He took the bag of my hair and hurried off with it. That’s when I called the police,” reported Connors.

A phone

Captain Luis Tennant a spokesman for Toronto’s Emergency Task Force reported that authorities were able to track Cypher to a local Toronto motel using the suspect’s Apple iPhone, which has built in GPS tracking. “We surrounded the motel and were preparing to apprehend the suspect when a witness claimed to have seen bomb making materials being brought into the suspect’s room moments before we arrived.” Police then called the suspect and ordered him to exit the motel and surrender himself peacefully. After almost four hours of intense negotiations the suspect finally complied and surrendered without incident. “Negotiations like this can get a little weird. It usually starts with the suspect making ridiculous demands and then we falsely promise to comply with whatever they ask. Well this case was no different than most but the suspect’s demand for Amy Jo Johnson to agree to attend a Power Ranger convention was way over what we could possibly pretend to deliver. The suspect also demanded peace in the Middle East and a large order of cheese fries that we promised to arrange but we just couldn’t say that Ms. Johnson had agreed to do the Power Ranger convention with a straight face,” added Captain Tennant.

Inside the motel room

According to police records no bomb making materials were found in the suspect’s motel room but police were startled to find thousands of unfertilized human egg cells as well as an incubator, Petri dishes, microscopes, and tools capable of removing and implanting cellular organelles, such as the nucleus, from one cell to another. “It was basically everything the suspect needed to produce human clones and he freely admitted that was his goal,” said Captain Tennant. According to Cypher’s statement, the suspect’s “sacred holy mission” was to “create an unstoppable, gymnastically trained, military force consisting of over 46 million Amy Jo Johnson clones,” A military force that Cypher claimed was his "religious destiny to command".

Brenda Connors now wonders what would have happened if she hadn’t notified the police. “I just find myself wondering if I missed my chance to be like almost sort of immortal. I mean can you imagine Cypher’s surprise when he realized he had made 46 million Brenda the hairstylist clones? That would have been like the ultimate Punked moment”.