Interview With A Fanpire

The following is an interview with Amy Jo Johnson's Number One Fan. We thought about interviewing Amy Jo Johnson but other people have already done that. So we scoured the web to find the biggest AJJ fan! Okay we just ran into this guy on a Tumbler page but we think it's close enough.

TOAJJ: Welcome Amy Jo Johnson’s Number One Fan we are thrilled to have this opportunity to chat with you.

NOAJJF: Yeah sure…whatever I guess.

TOAJJ: Let’s start at the beginning shall we?

NOAJJF: Okay I guess. Well scientists seem to have this theory about a big bang…

TOAJJ: No. Wait. Not that beginning. When did you first discover Amy Jo Johnson?

Super Fan's Girlfriends

NOAJJF: Well I had kids at a very young age, you know, I was involved in a lot of underage drinking and drug use and we didn’t have like those free condom programs they have at the schools these days so by the time I got thrown out of High School I had like half a dozen kids between 4 or 5 moms. I gotta blame the government because they didn’t have any sex education and by the time I figured out, on my own I should mention, that I should pull out before I finished I was already like 60 grand behind in child support payments.

TOAJJ: Ummm… I’m a bit confused.

NOAJJF: I was too. That’s when I started dating both girls and guys. I figured that if I should go to jail for owing child support I’d might as well get used to having sex with men because I was fairly skinny back then and the prisoners would probably just force me to do them anyway.

TOAJJ: What has this got to do with Amy Jo Johnson?

NOAJJF: I’m getting there. Relax. Okay so here I was a bi-curious, unemployed, drug addicted, drunken high school throw out with like a half dozen kids. I needed a plan. So one by one I invited my kid’s mothers over and I got them really drunk and high and I secretly videotaped them like snorting cocaine, drinking Jack Daniels, smoking crack and having unprotected kinky sex with me.

TOAJJ: Can we get to the part with…

A drunk woman

NOAJJF: Amy Jo Johnson…yeah here it comes okay? So I blackmail these skanks with the tapes. I tell them that I want custody of all the kids. They didn’t want the brats anyway but I tell all the moms that I’ll watch the little bastards all the time and this way they can still go whore themselves off at the local nightclub for a couple free drinks. So I do this babysitter thing for a couple weeks and some guy I was sleeping with tells me he is a lawyer and he tells me that those unfit mothers should be paying me child support. So we took them all to court and the next thing you know I’m a full time mister mom!

TOAJJ: That had nothing to do with Amy Jo Johnson.

NOAJJF: Well let me finish. So I got all the kids full time and I’d usually pass out drunk around 2 or 3pm. You know, get a little nap in so I could party later on that night. But on this particular day the little brats were running all around the apartment beating the crap out of each other. So I’m like wtf you little pricks, I’m trying to sleep. Well it turns out they were acting out this kids show they had been watching and the show was called Power Rangers!

TOAJJ: And that’s when you first saw Amy Jo Johnson?

NOAJJF: Nope. I didn’t watch the show at that time; I’d just hit record on the VCR that I got from my friend Dirty Ron. You know, so the kids could watch it again and again while I was sleeping.

TOAJJ: Dirty Ron?

NOAJJF: Yeah I was selling a little dope on the side to make ends meet and Dirty Ron would always fall behind on paying his weekly bill. So Dirty Ron used to break into my neighbor’s apartments and steal stuff like VCRs or toaster ovens and he would give them to me for what he owed me.

TOAJJ: Didn’t you feel bad about that?

Newport: Alive With Pleasure!

NOAJJF: Well it was a little awkward when one of my kids’ friends would start saying stuff like “that’s my mommy’s guitar or that’s my daddy’s Craftsman tool set”. It was more of an annoyance than anything because I’d have to take them into my room and threaten to kill their parents or just burn the crying little brat with my Newport cigarette.


TOAJJ: That is just awful.

NOAJJF: I agree. Newports taste awful once you get a little burned flesh on them.

TOAJJ: That’s not what I meant…never mind. So lets get back to the VHS tapes and Amy Jo shall we?

Unmarked tapes

NOAJJF: Right. So I sold one of my VCRs to my friend Trixie and like three days later she shows up with an unmarked video cassette and she is like “You left this crap in my player” and then she is like “wtf have you been watching dude” and I’m like clueless because I had hundreds of adult VHS tapes and I never put labels on them because that would make it too easy on the cops if they ever raided my place. I used to think it would be so cool if the cops had to pay someone to sit through you know like a couple thousand hours of my unmarked video tapes. Computers ruined that with all the digital formats. Now cops can scan right through a quicktime video in no time at all.

TOAJJ: You really thought that through, amazing.

The scene that started it all?

NOAJJF: Right, so I do a bunch of lines with Trixie and she leaves. So then I grab the tape and some personal lubricant and I head into my room and pop the tape in. First thing I saw once the VCR fired up was these two hot young girls, dressed in spandex, doing like handstands and stuff in a gym. There was this tiny white chick with an amazing butt and a taller Asian girl and I’m like ready to release because spandex is sort of my thing but all of a sudden I started to think maybe Trixie’s boyfriend was a closet pedo and it was really his tape and he was just throwing me under the bus to cover his own ass you know?

TOAJJ: Well from your vivid description I’d guess you were watching Power Ranger Punks, which is episode 11 from season 1 of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.

NOAJJF: Who the hell knows, I was half-baked and I was expecting some sweet girl on girl stuff.

TOAJJ: Well I know and if you really are Amy Jo Johnson’s biggest fan you should also know.

NOAJJF: Son, don’t be getting all up in my Kool-aid if you don’t even know what the flavor is.

TOAJJ: What? Never mind…so this is when you fell in love with Amy Jo?

NOAJJF: No. Let me finish. So I’m all lubed up and I’m vigorously “viewing the video” if you know what I mean, when I hear someone yell “Daddy’s watching Power Rangers” and I turn around and there are my little brats with about a dozen of their grubby little neighborhood friends standing just outside my bedroom door!

Viewing the video

TOAJJ: That must have been embarrassing for you and think about those poor kids, how badly do you think that affected them physiologically?

NOAJJF: I never really thought about that. I just kicked the door shut and finished what I was doing.

TOAJJ: Oh…ummm…so it was after that incident that you started exploring Amy’s other artistic endeavors like her music?

NOAJJF: What music?

TOAJJ: Well Amy was in a band called Valhalla, she did a song on the Felicity soundtrack and then she did a couple solo albums as well.

NOAJJF: Was she wearing spandex?

TOAJJ: Well that’s the odd thing about music; you can’t hear what someone is wearing when they record it. How about her time on the show Felicity, did you enjoy that?

NOAJJF: I’m not entirely sure what you mean by that.

TOAJJ: So you never watched Felicity?

AJJ on Felicity

NOAJJF: Felicity, the girl from the Austin Powers movie right?

TOAJJ: Did you see Infested?

NOAJJF: Sorry, not ringing a bell.



TOAJJ: Speaking of bells, did you see her on Saved By The Bell?

NOAJJF: Nope.

TOAJJ: What about Amy Jo’s other films like Sweetwater or The Perfect Body?

NOAJJF: Perfect Body? She played an anorexic girl who wore spandex in that one right?

TOAJJ: Yes! So you have at least seen that film?

NOAJJF: No, I just downloaded a bunch of screen grabs off the net. She looked freaking hot in that one. I saw pics of that scene when she got on a scale and I own a scale so I kind of connected to that part. I also really liked her in that TV show Alias.

TOAJJ: Alias? Really?

NOAJJF: Yeah I got a couple great stories about shit that went down while I was watching Alias. Like I was shaving some personal areas one night…they call it manscaping and…

TOAJJ: Well that’s about all the time I’ve got tonight. Thanks for doing this insightful interview. We should get together some other time to go over the Alias stories.

NOAJJF: Sure that would be great. Hey am I getting paid for this?