Virtual Amy Jo

Modified isolation tank

A new Australian invention developed in Venus Bay could significantly improve the Amy Jo Johnson religious experience available to Johnson worshipers by allowing total Amy Jo immersion inside a modified isolation tank.

A test subject being wired

The Virtual Amy Generator (VAG) system was commercialized by Universal Kinetics Corporation, and consists of a group of sensors that are worn by the user to stimulate their body, and a computer unit that simulates every aspect of Amy Jo Johnson both visually and aurally.

Professor Vincent Slocum, a neurologist specializing in virtual medical technology and one of the inventors of the device, said the VAG system was the first in the world to successfully provide Amy Jo Johnson worshipers with an accurate depiction of their deity.

Professor Vincent Slocum

Slocum, a senior scientist at the Witera Neuroscience Institute in Venus Bay where the technology was developed, explained that the device is mostly aimed at males who will never have the chance to meet Amy Jo Johnson in person.

“At first we took every word that Amy Jo had ever said in film or television and fed them into the computer,” he said. “The first major problem was that there were gaps, missing data that would confuse the program. If the worshiper asked a question that Amy had not previously answered the program would just make something up and most times it wouldn’t make any sense”.

Frog DNA

“We had a worshiper ask the VAG program if it liked it 'hard and rough' and the VAG answered 'Yes Tommy but I’m looking for my real mother and I think I have a clear shot at the suspect dog in a rainbow,' Visually the program would also have to guess what to display when the user would request the VAG to wear something very sexy or nothing at all," said Slocum.

"We have not seen all of Amy Jo’s body so there was no reference material for the program to use.  It was just like that movie where they recreated dinosaurs but they didn’t have a complete DNA strand. In the film they used DNA from a frog to complete the strand. We did the same thing. We completed the AJJ strand by imputing the complete filmography of adult film actress Lexi Belle. It was luck really as we just happened to have those films on the computer we were using.” explained Slocum.

No creepers allowed

According to a press release issued by the Witera Neuroscience Institute, the VAG now answers almost any question asked very quickly and in most cases will suggest something sexually explicit. Users can even select the age of Johnson that they want to worship. “The age can go from present day Johnson all the way down to an eighteen year old Amy Jo. We felt that going any lower than eighteen would be just a little bit too creepy,” added Slocum.

The VAG unit should be available to the public for purchase by November 2013, just in time for the holidays.