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Kansas man is disappointed.

Johnson with unidentified child
SYLVAN GROVE, KS— Erik Schon felt a deep sense of disappointment Tuesday, when the 35-year-old sanitation engineer found several online photos of actress Amy Jo Johnson holding what appeared to be the Flashpoint star’s genuine offspring.

"If Amy Jo really wanted children why didn’t she just contact me?” asked Schon, regarding the photos of the actress and a child that is presumably her daughter at a Disney Store grand-opening ceremony in Canada. "After all I’ve personally sacrificed, just seeing those photos and feeling that I probably wasn’t even considered when Amy decided to reproduce, it’s just a huge blow to my already fragile ego.”

Erik’s wife Candi agrees, “Erik did the work. He learned all the lyrics to not only Amy Jo Johnson’s songs but also Cat Stevens’ entire music catalog. Neither Erik nor I like Cat Stevens but Erik put aside his own musical taste to prepare himself for being mated with Amy Jo because she openly enjoys Cat Stevens' music. Erik even spent almost a full month of vacation days learning to recite the film Perfect Body word for word and now it's all worthless junk cluttering up his tiny abandoned mind.”

Erik’s longtime friend Wayne Kerr added “Erik’s amazing collection of Amy Jo memorabilia should have put him at the top of the list of possible suitors. It really angers me that Erik spent years trolling Ebay buying all those Power Rangers lunch boxes and bed sheets for nothing, not even a rejection letter. What good have all those Amy Jo Johnson DVDs done him? I mean if you go on a job interview and you tell them you bought an entire season of E.R. just so you could have the one episode that Amy Jo Johnson guest stars in, well they probably wont think it’s that much of a big deal. Well it is a big deal if you know Erik and I honestly feel sorry for him."

Johnson in 2008
Erik was tipped off to the alleged reproduction when several photos of Amy Jo Johnson looking pregnant surfaced online in early 2008. “I guess I was in a state of denial, I thought maybe it was just a beer belly or perhaps she was just acting like she was going to procreate for a film role, I just didn’t know what was reality anymore. For a time I was convinced that I had stepped through a dimensional rift or something and this world was just an evil place where Amy Jo Johnson didn’t care about me or my feelings,” said Erik.

As word got around Sylvan Grove that Johnson’s progeny was not the result of a coupling with Erik Schon, residents also began to question the paternity of the Schon couple’s two children Adam and Rocky. According to Sylvan Grove’s Mayor, The Honorable Benjamin Dover, the Schon children bear no real resemblance to Erik and most of the town thinks Candi named Erik the father simply because Erik had a city job with a decent healthcare package.

Rocky and Adam Schon
“If you look at the Schon boys you can clearly see they have some African heritage, Candi is Norwegian and Erik is as white as Casper the Ghost, add to that the fact that Candi has an Obama sticker and oversized rims on her car, well people are going to talk,” added Mayor Dover. Local Starbucks employee Natasha Boris even claims to have seen Candi Schon watching Chris Rock comedy videos on YouTube during lunch breaks that Candi would take at the popular Wi-Fi capable coffee shop. “I even once saw her watching Chris Brown music videos” said Natasha.
Candi and Erik Schon in 2004

“You might think that people saying that Rocky and Adam are not my real children would bother me but it really doesn’t. I trust my wife and I’ve put Candi through hell during my intensive Amy Jo Johnson training routine. Candi has stuck by my side even when I’d bring a five-foot cardboard pink ranger cutout into bed at night. How many wives would put up with that? What bothers me is when I hear people call me the guy who couldn’t seal the deal with Amy Jo Johnson or when they point out that Amy’s suspected toddler looks nothing like me, that’s what burns me up inside, that’s the real dagger to my heart” added Erik.

1 comment:

  1. "For a time I was convinced that I had stepped through a dimensional rift or something and this world was just an evil place where Amy Jo Johnson didn’t care about me or my feelings."

    That quote almost made me pee.